In search of home...

I remember the time I went to a CTS interview in 2014. The interviewer asked me how I felt about moving to North India, if I get appointed there. I told him, “I am from a village deep south. I have never been out of my house till I completed my school. It was really difficult for me to stay outside my home in Chennai. But I am used to it. If I am staying out of my home, it doesn’t matter whether I stay in Chennai or stay in Delhi. It is gonna be the same for me”. I was successfully rejected in that interview for unknown reasons though.

However, I got my joining letter from KPIT Technologies, my work location was Bangalore. There was a small panic when I left my home, because I literally didn’t know whom to contact and how to find a place to stay. That was probably the first moment, I realised why it was good to have a few friends around. I did have a few supporting hands in Bangalore. To my surprise, shopkeepers in Bangalore were well-versed in Tamil. So, it was a bit of a cake walk for me.

The most challenging experience to me was when I had to move to Pune. When I heard that I have an opportunity to work in Pune, I was finding all possible reasons to avoid it. My theory about home and away was still the reason but this time Bangalore actually felt like a home. I never had a better home than Bangalore. It had everything for me that I missed since my childhood. I didn’t have to act like someone else. I had to be whomever I really wanted and still got accepted by a group of people. It wasn’t a dream job, but I still loved it.

I was working in a team of six freshers, who were managed by 7 managers to do literally nothing. We were having fun during our extra long tea breaks and recreation breaks after everyday status reporting. There were discussions and silly arguments about movies, sports, health and fitness almost every time. I gave up running the race to be ambitious and gave myself a break. That was probably the first time I associated myself to a group of friends in my entire life. More than everything, I didn’t have to speak a language that I was not comfortable with. 

Finally I had it all settled. And then the shock. I was asked to move to Pune in less than a week. I wished that I didn’t have to go. We were fighting for the two spots left in Bangalore, so that the rest four could go. I couldn’t win the fight and I had to pack my bag. When the journey took more than 12 hours, I was already exhausted to even try to love the new atmosphere.

Nothing was similar. When I saw a few people walking on Anna Hazare getup (pyjamas and kullas), I was like, “Did I just take the time travel bus? These people seem to be going to protest against the British Raj”. I was preparing myself to be brutally punched in the face with Hindi words. I was getting my basics ready.

To my surprise, the office conversations were not in Hindi. They were conversing in Marathi. Bangalore office was such a place, where there were people from South India, who didn’t have a common language. So, we used to speak in English. I wasn’t expecting that in Pune. I knew that North India had a common language and they were proud to speak in Hindi. Realizing that Pune office had a huge majority of Maharshtrians and the office had Marathi as a primary language was a little hard. I might have realised it much earlier, had I worked on a city like Chennai, where the local Tamil population is huge and the primary language of communication could have been Tamil.

A typical meeting in Pune would start in English and gradually move to Marathi. Then I would have to raise a concern. Their stereotypical response would be, “Arre! Me to bool gaya aap ko Marathi aata nahi. Mein ne bola ki….”. Amapke raincoat. Then I would have to use all my listening sense to interpret to understand Hindi, get exhausted and request them to speak in English. Much worse was when some over patriotic Maharashtrians would expect me to speak Marathi, when I would be stammering with my broken Hindi.

After that would be the people who did not know how not having a common language worked. They used to confuse about the language that we speak in South India and made huge mix ups such as, “South India has four states. Their capital is Chennai. They all like Rajinikanth. They speak Kannada. Their cinema industry is not Bollywood, it is Tollywood. They have beautiful coconut beaches everywhere”. It took me a while to recognise that they actually did not have an understanding about South India.

From my childhood I always believed that India was my home but being in North India didn’t feel like home to me. I had bad socializing skills. I was too uninterested in small talks and I was least bothered about mastering Hindi. I liked the place more than the people. I used to take the long routes from office to residence. I was attached to the roads and climate instead of the people. I wanted to move to other unknown cities and explore more and more.

A wave of trouble drowned me in the sea when I thought I had swam across the lake of alienness. I was so helpless and lonely as I got severe jaundice. There was literally no one around almost all day. It was not anyone’s fault. I didn't know that roads and climate would not help me when I get sick, but people would. I invested so much time in exploring the geography of the new place rather than the culture of the people. I had the worst fears and even believed like a fool that I would die in my room alone.

I took a break from Pune and returned home for the treatment. Home felt like home. My brain was relaxed as the load of translating an alien language was off finally. I wanted to come back to my comfort zone. I was done walking like an alien on the roads of Pune.

When I returned to Pune, it was already Diwali. I was possibly the only one non-local person working in the office during the week of Diwali. It was painful that there was nowhere to go and celebrate Diwali. The roads I used to walk were converted to special Diwali markets. I was there alone watching everyone enjoying their shopping with their family. There was nothing I wanted to buy but I was simply watching people and envying them.

I simply booked tickets for three movies that were released that week. Finally the day of Diwali came. I woke up early, took an oil bath in hot water. I missed my home so much. I dressed up well and went to the food court, where I used to have idlis daily. It was empty. There was a senior supplier, his assistant (junior) and me in the whole food court. I was a bit depressed because I was probably the only person to eat in that canteen when everyone got to go home.

The owner wasn’t there. The senior supplier noticed me coming everyday. When he saw me coming in, he signalled me to take the seat. The junior supplier came to me. The senior shouted, “Arre! Usko 4 idli dedo. Sambhar oopar dalke”. He smiled at me. I smiled at him back. I was so pathetic that I didn’t even know his name. I used to see him everyday but never bothered to say a Hi. He noticed me because I asked him not to give Sambhar in a bowl and instead pour it over the idlis.

I sent the money in PayTM while he was getting me the food. I showed him the payment confirmation from a distance. When the food arrived, I saw that there was a Gulab Jamun in a bowl along with idlis, chutney and sambhar. I saw the Gulab Jamun and saw the junior, who had supplied me the food. He signalled me to look at the senior. I looked at the senior. He said something in Hindi, which meant, “Today is a happy day. Nobody should be lonely or sad. Happy Diwali”.

I was out of words. Sometimes the blows of joy are heavier than those of sorrow. There were so many differences between us. I didn’t even know who the supplier was. He was merely a labour and the canteen owner would have punished him for giving sweets for free. He didn’t care about all that. He saw that I was sad and lonely. He wanted me to smile on the day of Diwali. So he made it happen.

That is what it actually means to be a home. When people around you care about your happiness without any expectation, that makes it your home. We had our own linguistic and cultural differences. It was all broken with his token of unconditional love. I never regretted being in Pune again. I never felt like I was away from home after that.

Perhaps, this is what is meant by when we say, “All Indians are my brothers and sisters”. This is our homeland despite all our differences. Let’s all cherish our unity during this auspicious day, which marks the fruit of the unity of our grandparents.

Happy Independence Day.

Scene 269: Time is strange

Sun was setting and the twilight sky was shining like hot fire. The breeze felt like it was pulling them towards the sunset. Ashok was looking deep into the sky and lost in his thoughts. Abinaya turned at him and wondered what he was thinking. She turned towards the sky and tried to find what was grasping Ashok's attention.

Ashok received the signal somehow and came back to consciousness. He looked at her. Her brown skin was glowing like gold due to the sunshine. When Abinaya noticed it and started to blush. She asked, "What do you find strange in my face today?".

He took a breath and said, "Your face shines like gold due to the sunshine". He thought about something and continued, "No. I mean the skin. No. Your....". He went out of words. He moved his hand as a reaction to his mind looking for words. She waited patiently for him to complete.

After a while, he said, "You understand what I'm trying to say, right?". She nodded her head and started to wonder how she had fallen in love with such an absent minded human. She remembered her first meeting with him. She smiled broadly thinking how awkward he was and how she thought that she would never meet him again.

He was embarassed a bit because he couldn't get the right words to explain what was in his mind. He wanted to say that she was beautiful. He wanted to make a sentence with the most exceptional words so that she would feel special about it. His rationality was blocking his imaginations. He was in a self-contradicting loop. He couldn't face her.

She saw him spiralling. So she touched his shoulders to soothe him. His mind and body started to calm down. He slowly relaxed. He adjusted his posture and sat comfortably. A smile blossomed in his face out of nowhere.

He turned towards her and said, "Time is really weird. We don't know what is gonna happen the next moment". She looked into his eyes and tried to understand in which context he was saying it. Her look became deeper but she couldn't understand what he was trying to say. She said, "I don't know so much about time. I believe it is weird only because you say so. At some time, we feel sad, at other times we feel happy. Ya, time could be weird".

He smiled and gazed at the twilight sky again. She looked at him again. She continued, "Time confuses me as much as it confuses you. I don't have an understanding of time as much as you have. I cherish the happy moments in life. Like January 21st, your birthday. It is a special day to me".

He looked at her and smiled sarcastically. She stared at his eyes again. She was waiting for him to start talking. He couldn't stop smiling. She said, "What is it? Speak out".

He said, "Nothing wrong. Time has totally different meaning to different people. More than that, understanding of the nature is really different for different people". She said, "I am not here to listen to your philosophies right now. Lets talk something else. Tell me which day is special in your life. No, wait. I will ask in the words that you understand. Tell me the particular orientation of celestial bodies, which are special to you".

He said, "Hmm. Thats an interesting question". He looked away from her into the garden, into the sky and into everything around him to get an answer to her question. She was getting eager. She moved close to him. She held his hand tight. He looked at her hand. He thought for a while and said, "Today is special to me".

Her face shrunk in a shock. Her hand loosened a bit. She said, "Oh! Wait. Let me guess. Today is April 24. Not your birthday; not mine either; neither our first meeting; nor related your parents. It is not easy to find but I am not not gonna give up". She released his hands and took her phone from her handbag. He was keenly observing her actions.

She googled what was special about April 24. After a while, she continued, "Ha! I found it out. It is the birthday of Sachin Tendulkar. How mean you are! I thought you would tell my birthday".

He started to laugh. She gently hit him and said, "Stop it. I am angry. Try to console me". She wanted to say it rudely but she couldn't control her smile while saying that.

He hugged her from the side and released her. She said, "Don't do all this and expect my anger to go down. It is never gonna happen". She turned away from him and released her laugh and hoped that he wouldn't notice it.

He said, "Units of dates is approximated really bad. For example, there is a leap year in every four years to compensate for the extra quarter day that is not accounted in the 365 days of each year. But still this is just an approximation. Also, what defines the beginning of a day is time. Most people believe that it is the time taken for Earth to complete one rotation but it is not exactly that. 24 hours is just an approximation of a day. So we can't really be sure about the time or date, in which things had happened to celebrate it whenever the particular instance of time repeats".

She said, "You might say that. But we have standardised our calendars and clocks throughout the world. So you could refer to that context and say that things happened on a day can be rememebered on the same day in all the future years".

He said, "First of all the world doesn't run synchronous time. We have a difference in time zone. Lets say, Rajini's next movie releases on April 30 throughout the world and the first show is at 4 AM. The movie releases 3 and a half hours before us in Japan, so a fan can record it and upload it on internet even before the movie is released in India. Also, when I used to be a child we used to watch cricket score in news channels. If a match happens in West Indies on April 24th at evening, we would see the score of it at early morning (probably 2 AM) of 25th. We would have to wait for 26th morning newspapers to read about what has actually happened in the match. So the standard definition of time is misleading".

He has completely lost her attention at this moment. She was happy that he was not getting philosophical but she could sense that he was going over her head already. Yet she didn't wanna stop him. It felt like she watch him talk gibberish forever. She reacted to his sentences as if she had understood everything that he was trying to say.

He kept going, "You could argue that things happening in a small region can be celebrated using the approximations of time that they can be remembered when the particular time configuration repeats itself the next year. But again, it has no relationship with cosmic bodies. For example, if you are going on a car race, you would be interested to celebrate whenever one lap is completed. If the standardisation of a lap is not appropriate, then you would be celebrating for reaching some random points in the lap than the end line of the circuit. Even worse than that is the fact that Sun is also moving around the galaxy, which means all possible orientations of Earth and Sun with respect to the galaxy don't repeat for millions of years. Every moment in space is brand new.

If you are still considering the standardised units of time, mathematically any two numbers can be related using multiple relationships. Now tell me when did we first meet".
She felt relieved that she could finally understand one sentence of his whole speech. She smiled and said gently, "September 26th, how could I forget that day".

He said, "My watch is saying 5:41. Tell me the time on your watch". She looked at her watch and said, "It is 5:42". He said, "Now see. Both the times: 541 and 542 can be related to September 26, 269 by doing some elementary math operations".

He thought for a while and said, "Lets take 542. Lets reverse it. We get 245. 2 plus zero is 2, 4 plus 2 is 6, 5 plus 2 plus 2 is 9, which gives us 269. 0, 2, 4 form an arithmetic series. Now, Let us put 2 from 245, then add first and second number. It gives us 6. Then add second and third number. It gives us 9, 269. Similarly, if we reverse 541, we get 145. 1 plus 1 is 2, 4 plus 2 is 6, 5 plus 4 is 9, 269 and 1, 2, 4 form a geometric series. 5 minus 4 plus 1 is 2, 5 plus 1 is 6 and 14 - 5 is 9, 269 again.

There can be many such combinations that can be used to relate any number with every other number. So one cannot really choose a date or time that is much different or special from any other number.

We have met on September 26. It was a special moment to me. But I could use mathematical relationships and say that any particular moment is related to September 26th and call it to be equally special as September".

By this time, her face started to show the symptoms that she has lost the attention. So he stopped for a moment and said, "Every moment in time happens only once in this universe. It will not come again in the future. Look at this moment. I am with the person I love the most. I am looking at her face glowing in sunlight. I wish time would freeze at this moment, and I could be amazed by looking at your face forever. I know that is not gonna happen. So minimally I feel that this particular moment in time with you is the most special time in my life, which makes this day as a really special day to me."

She didn't utter a word. She kissed him on his cheek. She didn't get embarassed for her action in a public place, where people would be watching them. She stared at him for a long time. She wished that his wish would come true that she live that particular moment forever.

Authentic Book: First draft

I created the eternal universe. The universe was empty and filled with void. I said, "Let there be Gods", and suddenly the universe was overcrowded with 34 crores of Gods. Gods were fighting against each other. So, I gave them something to play with, the mortal universe.

Still, they weren't happy. They divided them into two groups. One of the groups retained their names as Gods, and the others started to call them evils. They were fighting again. Almost 1 crore beings were killed in their silly fights. So, I made them all immortal. Also, I divided them into different groups, with 33 crores+ into one group, and the remaining 1500 odd into 800+ groups with each group having not more than 4 of them. I also put them into a delusion that only their group existed in the eternal universe.

They got bored. They kept disturbing me whenever I played Minesweeper (which I did all the time) to ask for favours. It was getting tough for me to answer everyone individually. So, I made an infinity gauntlet, so that I can think about a wish and grant it with a snap. I kept granting powers to individual Gods, but then I got bored again.

One day, I thought "Let Gods have infinite powers and not be destroyed", and snapped my finger. I should have added the exception of me with all other exceptions, before snapping, but I didn't, because I am an idiot. So, their powers are endless.

They divided their lands into heavens and hells. In the first group, they appointed a God to take care of hell. In all other groups, they appointed evils to take of the hell. Gods in heaven enjoyed their privileges. They were playing with the mortal universe. They used SIMULINK to model the universe, and put different equations and tried out which worked best.

Once they finalized the equations, they deployed them into the universe. When things were moving smoothly, they sat down and observed them for billions of years. Finally, they created time and made all the equations dependant on time just for fun.

They waited another billion years, but this time they had the sense of time by viewing the happenings on the mortal universe. But then they were bored because everything worked perfectly and there was no surprise to them.

One of the Gods said, "Let there be light". Suddenly there was light. All the Gods particularly chose a single small particle in the universe (called Earth) and created some objects that could do other operations, which weren't clearly described by any rules. And as a ruler of all life forms and the protector of the (inexistent) rules, they created human beings in different parts of the tiny particle. They didn't know that they were all sharing the same particle to create life forms. So, they overpopulated Earth with humans.

They made sure that the humans remembered Gods and offered their praises to them regularly. Whenever humans had forgotten about God, they punished them with disasters, diseases, and calamities. Also, at the request of Gods and evils from hells, they wrote of some rules for humans to follow (different Gods wrote different rules), and whenever a human failed to follow the rules, they sent them to hell for the hell dwellers to have some fun.

During the hard times, Gods made the humans to beg for mercy, made them chant their names hundreds of times, do painful acts, sing songs praising the Gods etc. Whenever they get pleased with the human efforts, they helped them recover from the hard times. Sometimes they simply let them die.

The games of Gods got more and more boring. So, they created different rules for after death experience. And thus, survives the mortal universe to be wiped off completely.

Maybe next time, I will take serious considerations to how many Gods to create, how to make them live in harmony, how to restrict their powers etc. If you have better advice, please leave it in the comments. I have erased the memories of Gods. So, now they believe that they weren't created and they existed forever. But, I still know their weaknesses.

We are all in war

It was one of the most beautiful evenings. A long slit of sunlight disturbed my monotonousness with work. When I turned to the window, the room was turning yellow. I decided to take a break and walked out. Grabbing a cup of tea, I walked near flower plants. There was a beautiful butterfly, a rare one with shades of white, red and black.

When I thought nothing could make my day better than that, there was a small sparrow right behind me staying silently. For one moment, I felt that my childhood had come back. There was a small guilt inside me that my mobile was radiating, which could have been hurting the small beings. I realized how cruel I was to walk with such an evil device inside an ecosystem, where every living being lived harmoniously. They might not have even realized that I was the demon in their lives.

I was lost in my thoughts, my heart felt heavy, and my legs pushed me away from those innocent beings. As soon as the sparrow saw me moving away, it took a steep dive downwards, glided towards the flower, caught the butterfly, and flew up to another tree.

Aren't we all like that?

We think women are living a far better life today than ever before.  Men say that women are like goddess and have to be respected to the most. A majority of them believe that a woman's life is more precious than that of a man. That's why there is a universal celebration of Women's day compared to the ignorance about when Men's day actually is. Every man (at least in this country) would say that women are like the butterflies that make our garden beautiful. Probably, that's where it gets dangerous. A butterfly is loved by everyone, but does this love ensure safety?

We need a government to provide strict laws to protect a woman from harrasment not only by strangers, but also from relatives, friends, and colleagues. Don't they really deserve trust from their loved ones? At the end of the day, the victim of cruel intention gets blamed for friendly or casual behaviour. The rapists walk out proud, but the victim will have to carry a shame throughout her life.

We think that civilization has ensured the necessary safety to women by collectively making the human society a lot better. We think that women are safe in the hands of the society as long as she doesn't invite problems by indulging with the wrong people. Aren't we all fooled by the virtual inexistent safety net around a woman?

One day, a girl was early from home and waited for train in Nungambakkam. The next moment, she was killed on a broad daylight. She definitely did not bother anyone. She was minding her own business and avoided unnecessary contacts from her life. But, these protocols didn't save her.

The other day, she was peacefully riding her bike. She followed all protocols. She obeyed traffic rules. She didn't cross a red signal, she didn't ride on the wrong side, she didn't overspeed, she didn't change lanes or ride hazardously. She was dead within a few minutes after a hanging board (of a political leader, who promised to protect her) fell on her.

Not many days had passed. She took her bike after work and thought of returning home. She noticed the tyres were punctured. She thought that the Commissioner office was just a km away, and the nearest patrol vehicle was a few hundred meters away, and it wasn't close to midnight (considered to be the excuse time for rapes). She was still scared even when so many vehicles were moving around her in the busy road. She was kidnapped, raped, tortured, killed and her body was burnt.

The protocols that were set by men for women to ensure their safety: wearing traditional dress, being sober, avoiding interactions with men, returning home early, staying away from unsafe places, following traffic rules etc. nothing, literally nothing could ensure minimal safety to a woman's life.

Nature is dangerous, especially the human nature. Women are mere butterflies here. Everyone loves them only to possess them and taste their flesh. Men are all monsters. We see a sparrow in men. We don't realize that a sparrow shows no mercy to a butterfly.

We have created an illusion that avoiding a war, not joining armed forces, not entering an hostile environment would ensure a long life to us. In reality, we are already in a war. Here, men are fighting for their greed over the possession of women, and women are fighting for their freedom, just for their mere existence.

For so many years they had fought for equality. One incident, just one incident, to an unknown lady, in an unknown city, would make her lose all her freedom and go back to the cage.

Scene 23: Abi and I

The evening of the winter was chilling me. I was running towards the coffee shop  hoping Abinaya would not loose her temper waiting for me. I started 30 minutes early, but unfortunately I had got the weird thought of dressing up to meet her. My mom liked Abinaya She thought Abinaya and I would make the best pair.

It should have been the most appropriate arranged marriage ever. Abinaya looked like an angel in the photo that they had shown me, but I wanted to meet her. I wanted to know about her. I had used the past two  weeks to prepare for the first meeting. I had ran through all the blogs, videos, and podcasts to learn about the dos and don'ts.

It was until the final moment, I had thought of going on a casual dress and look cool, but then things changed. I wanted to look like a man, a bit strong, matured, a man whom she could trust. So, I quickly went back and wore a suit. It just added 10 minutes more, but then I couldn't get the parking. So, I had to park my car almost a kilometre away on a private parking area and rush back. Yes, when I said running, I meant running.

When I saw the coffee house, I paced myself down. I waited for my heartbeat to reduce, so that she wouldn't think that I was desperate about this. It was sweating, so I had to silently go to the washroom and  refresh myself. Fortunately, the washroom was just beside the entrance. So, I didn't have to face her all sweaty and messy.

When I was ready and felt confident, I went out. I searched for her. When I found her, I found that she was already looking at me. The sarcastic smile on her face indicated that she had been watching me the entire time. I had practised my killer smile before the mirror for more than a hundred times in the past two weeks, but I ended up giving an awkward smile in embarrassment.

I slowly walked towards her. She didn't look like an angel. She was actually an angel. Photos did lie. It felt like no perfect camera in the universe could have captured all the beauty that she had carried. Her beauty diffused in the air. I felt like the atmosphere inside the coffee shop was surrounded by the beauty and I was fainting.

She tried hard to control her laughter. I realised that I was staring at her for too long. She took her phone, and probably texted someone. She locked the phone, and kept it inside. It felt like I was walking on an ever stretching place, and the distance between us kept increasing as I started to walk. It felt like it would never end, and I was hoping that she wouldn't leave before I could reach her.

Finally my knees touched the chair and I realised that I reached the table. I could not move my eyes from her. I used my hands to touch and find the geometry and orientation of the chair. I slowly moved it and sat on it.

My mind was totally blank. That was the most uncomfortable time frame in my whole life. Two weeks of rehearsals for a single moment of introduction, and I couldn't find a single word to talk. My mind had attained nirvana and it was all empty and peaceful. The world made more sense to me at that moment. My life made more sense. Gravity, relativity, big bang, quantum computing, economics, GST, and even DL method made so much sense at that moment. I realised my true self and purpose in life. She was my destination and I felt that I was at the verge of attaining it.

It just needed a single magical word to open the gates to self-realisation, but I couldn't get it. She looked at me and said, "Hi" with a bright smile. Some people are really gifted with a beautiful smile. She cast a magical spell on me, which made my soul to go out of my body and view the whole scene from outside. I was a mannequin on the chair.

She waved her hand before my eyes and said, "Are you here? Is there anything wrong? Hello!"

My soul got the signal and came back to me. I felt alive once again. I was literally reborn at that moment. "Ya, hi! Hello! Nothing. Ya, Ok. Nothing nothing. It's just... It's the.... Nothing. Leave it. Hi", the words came out from my mouth. My brain wasn't active at all. I couldn't remember what was happening there. It took me a minute to recover my complete consciousness.

That was really my worst nightmare. I wanted to make her fall for me with a great smile and introduction. I had lost both. I failed terribly. I thought she would walk away and it was the end of it. I felt so depressed. I had failed my mom. It was so simple and I ruined it within a few minutes. I started to think about what all I could have done better. I wished I could invent a time machine to go back in time and redo that particular moment.

"You're panicking. Don't be afraid. I wont eat you. I am a vegetarian", she said and laughed. It was seriously a pathetic attempt for a joke. I wondered whether she was really stupid or was she also nervous and ruining her tries.

Her smile stopped and she started to wonder what was wrong with me. Then, I realised that it was much more easier than I expected it to be. Two weeks of preparation was totally meaningless. I believed that I would have managed so easily had I not prepared much. I gained confidence and said, "Good try for a joke. Better luck next time".

She smiled and said, "At least you could smile a bit. Even in the in your photos you were not smiling. I thought of cheering you, but it doesn't seem to be working".

I took a moment to process all the information that were contained in her words. Only when I had a complete understanding, I thought about giving her the best reply. A few sarcastic replies popped up in my mind, but I neglected them to be a little humble. I realised that I was overthinking and I started to speak, "Well! Not everyone is gifted with a natural smile. Me, for an example", I said.

"Everyone is born with a smile. It is the most natural thing a human can get", she replied.

"Very wrong. We are born crying and slowly become resistant to changes and pain. Some become natural smilers, others become angry, sad etc. Anger is my natural emotion", I replied.

"No. I strongly disagree", she replied.

My mind was expecting that reply and it had already made an essay with facts, experiences, and evidences to prove my theory, but I had to override it because, I wanted the argument to stop. So, I said, "Lets end this here. It is irrelevant".

"OK. May be irrelevant, but do you at least appreciate humour", she asked.

"I am a man with a weird sense of humour.  I don't find things funny even when those things are universally accepted to be funny. The things I find funny needs a salient attention to every detail of the thing. So, people find me boring or irrelevant. So, I stick to silence rather than expressing everything that is on my mind", I replied.

She listened to the complete lecture with Bhoomadevi-level patience and said, "You can give it a try on me. We have more than an hour to talk", and smiled at me. Every time she smiled, an aroma of elixir formed around her. It spread through the air and made me intoxicated.

I was searching for examples. It was the third chance to impress her. I badly wanted to win at this. Pressure was building on me. I rejected so many plain jokes thinking that I could always come up with an intellectual stumping joke.

"Orders, sir!", a masculine voice came. I turned and found a waiter standing near me waiting for me to order. I looked at her. She looked at me and found that I was not ready to order. So, she ordered a cappucino, and looked at me, "what do you want", she asked.

"Tea. One tea", I stammered. It was an awful experience. He moved towards the kitchen. She looked at me and said, "I am still waiting, sir".

I regained confidence. I decided to go on with a flow. I took a deep breath and said, "Let me tell you a small story". She leaned forward eagerly to listen. I continued,

"There was a numerologist, who was closely associated with a family. He had named all the new-borns in their family. One day a girl child was born, and the child's father went to him. He said, "Guruji! I am blessed with another child. You need to bless her with a name".

The numerologist looked at the father and said, "By the name of God, I name your child Jai Sri Jagadamba Devi Durga Parameswari".

The father replied, "Oh Guruji! That was what you've named my first child" and continued in Hindi, "Abhi naya naam chahiye".

The numerologist looked up and down. He took all the scripts that he was carrying. He meditated on the divine Goddess for a minute and got into a realisation. He looked back at the father and asked, "What did you just say".

The father got scared thinking that numerologist was upset with his reply. He replied, "Guruji, please don't take me wrong. You had already named our first child the same. That is why I asked for a new name. I am sorry, if I had said anything wrong".

The numerologist smiled at him and asked again, "What did you say? I want the exact words". The father replied, "Abhi naya naam..". The numerologist stopped him right there and said, "Abhi naya". The father replied, "Haan ji. We need a new name". Numerologist smiled at him and said, "Abinaya is the name". And so, did they name their child Abinaya".

Her face was expressing some form of frustration. I started to smile. I looked at her eyes and said, "Guess what is the name of the father", and laughed at her.

And the coffee arrived. She cancelled it and walked out. I sensed that I ruined it completely. I knew that my mom would kill me when I return home. Or she might cut my meal for the night, if she knew about this. But, I didn't care about anything. I didn't even try to stop her. I was smiling and admiring at her. She was so beautiful when she was angry. I liked the raw beauty in her face. She walked past me.

I didn't know what was on her mind, but I definitely fell in love with her at that moment. I wanted to go to any extreme to get her in my life. I never needed another chance. I knew that I was gonna do it.

Then, the tea arrived. I had the tea. I closed my eyes and ran the entire sequence once again. The moment I ran for her, the moment when I saw her for the first time, that one plain smile with which she had made him blank, the first word from her mouth, the sweetness in her voice, all the funny stammering, the awkward joke, and the slow drift of her emotions, which occurred like a sunset on her face. The bright blue happy sky had started to disperse vivid colours of emotions setting a visual spectacle to finally settle into a dark night sky of anger. I preferred the night over the bright day.

Those days of Chauvinism: Chapter 1

I was studying 11th Std in a rural school. There was an oral exam in Tamil language and we were to deliver a speech on any topic before the class. The teacher was so generous that she would anyway give away 10 out of 15, even if the student attempt to speak before the class, but to get 15 on 15, one must speak.

I was discussing about the topic to speak on with one of the best speakers in my class, but I couldn't come up with a conclusion. So, he advised me to go to the dais and speak whatever came to the mind at that moment. So, I came totally unprepared.

Then the teacher entered and announced that girls would speak on that day, which gave boys an extra day for preparation. There was this dynamics in my class and girls would follow everything a teacher would say, and boys had the compulsion to maintain the pride of not following anybody's words.

So, every girl spoke whatever they had memorised the previous night. There were a few speakers, who had a great tone, accurate pronunciations, and smooth rhythm. I was wondering, if I could ever speak like that. Then I started to listen to what they were speaking.

Most of the topics were about women empowerment and how women had achieved so much in the world. I hated that so much. After each speaker, the teacher pointed out that boys in the class had to learn from the girls and deliver better speeches, instead of being lazy and coward.

It touched my ego. As a boy, I had to stand for the pride of men. Since, I considered girls to be intellectually and morally inferior to me (the order of superiority was me, other boys, and girls), I wanted to avenge the girls for the boys. Also, I believed that women empowerment was a failed ideology.

So, the whole evening I prepared a four page speech (technically six to seven pages, since I had a miniature hand-writing) on why women empowerment was stupid. Obviously, the main reason being women were intellectually inferior to men.

When I showed the speech to the best speaker. He asked me to tone it down and remove a few sentences, because he thought that the speech was offensive to women, and since the teacher was a women, she would punish me. I thought that it was the only place, I would ever gonna speak, and it was the last chance for me to express my ideology. Also, I wanted to prove girls were wrong about women empowerment, and honour the boys by showing everyone how stupid the arguments of feminists were. (Frankly, I didn't know  that there was such a word called "Feminist" back then. Also, the first time I heard someone calling me a chauvinist was almost five years later by which time I didn't know the meaning of chauvinism either.)

When I was on the stage, the teacher made fun of me. So did the whole class. They weren't ready for it yet. I smiled at everyone like a joker and wanted them to settle down. Then I said, "I offer my salutations to everyone. I am here to talk about how ruined the lives of Indians in 21st century".

There was a small pause and I found out that people were noticing me. I continued, "The reason, why our culture, tradition, and lives are ruined is because of all the freedom that we had offered to women". The teacher was stunned to hear this, and then started to laugh. The whole burst out in laughter. I signalled them to calm down and started to list out why freedom to women was based on false ideologies.

"Yesterday, the girls spoke a lot about freedom to women, but all the quotes they had used in their speech were told by men such as Thiruvalluvar, Bharathiyar, Bharadhidasan etc. Nobody could find even a single quote supporting women's freedom, which was told by a woman, not even from the poets such as Avvayar, Karaikkal Ammayar etc. The same goes with people such as Kalpana Chawla, who were quoted by most of the girls yesterday as an example of what women's freedom could make a girl into. It statistically indicates that educated women do not want other women to get educated. Even to speak for women's freedom, you need a man's support. Given that, how would you say that women are not dependent on men for anything? It is only the kindness and generosity of the men, which made them say such words. Even they wouldn't have meant what they had written on poems."

I thought that girls would have been enlightened after hearing that, but no. There was another round of laughter. The teacher asked me to continue. She was looking at the class's reaction instead of me. The class started to loose focus on me, as I started to get serious. Somewhere, in between this line came out.

"Even great scholars such as Chanakya argued that women should not be given freedom"

The teacher stopped me right there, and asked me, "when did he say that". I was prepared for that question, and already made up a quote: "If we give freedom to women, families will be ruined, which will lead to a man-made catastrophe in the world". I knew at that time that people would take a quote to be true, if we add a famous person's name to it. They wouldn't validate it. At the same time, if I had said the same thing, they would have asked me to prove it with scientific, mathematical, psychological, and political methods. So, technically I was a keen player in developing the fake news culture.

The day was a success to me. There were moments of laughter and I gained enough attention in the class. More than everything, there was no argument against any of the data that I had presented to prove that women's freedom was unnecessary and at times catastrophic to the society. So, I reconfirmed based on that statistics that I was intellectually superior to everyone in the class.

It took me a lot of years to learn about Simpson's paradox, I understood what kind of blunders I had committed while preparing the speech. Most of the statistics, which I had used were partial, and partial data could give a totally opposite conclusion. May be one day I would write up the role Simpson's paradox in making me a better person.

Scene 44: Anything for you

He finally went before her and stopped her by holding her hand. “Stop touching me”, she yelled at him.

He took his hands of her and said, “Ok. Cool cool”. He took his breathe. She was radiating her frustration by looking at his eyes.

He said, “I'm sorry. You know this road is just behind your favorite hotel? That's why I came here. I spoke with the security. Let's go to that road”.

She was already too frustrated, so she didn't move or reply. “Hey! It's our anniversary. Remember”, he asked. She cooled down a bit.

He held her hand and they started to walk. There was an awkward silence between them. He was thinking about the right conversation, which wouldn't upset her. He eliminated jokes, irrelevant science facts, philosophy, politics, his day at work one by one and finally got a topic to talk.

He turned towards her with excitement and started to speak, “Hey! That security outside your office”.

She interrupted right there and said, “Don't talk. I'm upset. Don't you get it? One more word and I'm walking back”.

He shut his mouth with both hands and walked. After walking a while she asked, “why are we walking? What about the car”.

He took his hands from the mouth and said, “There's traffic and I know that security. So, the car can be there”. As soon as he completed saying that, he shut his mouth with the hands again.

She yelled, “Don't over react. Take your hands off. Stay normal”. He took his hands off.

Finally they reached the hotel road, where the hotel was present, but they were on the other side of the road. So, she tried to cross the road. He pulled her back. She asked, “what”.

He looked terrified. He looked around and said, “there's a tea shop nearby. We can have a tea”.

She breathed heavily trying to control her frustration and asked, “what's the time”. “Ten” he replied. “Do you think this is the right time for tea”, she asked.

He couldn't face her. He faced down and slowly took the courage to say, “Sorry. I forgot our anniversary. I didn't plan for anything. I thought of taking you to this hotel, but I needed some time to get the reservations done. That's why I asked you to go for the space ride. I made the reservations, but it was too full. So, I'm here hopeless and praying God to rescue me from this hell of situation”.

She threw her purse at him. It hit him and fell down. He bent his right knee to take it. He took it and held it as if he was proposing her. She was furious and he wanted to cool her down. He was searching for words to speak.

She didn't speak a word. She covered her to hide her anger. She didn't wanna yell at him before the public. So, she has fighting to hold her anger. Her body was shivering due to that. She didn't utter a single word.

He was waiting in the same position for her to look at him. She looked down and frowned. He was in fear and his hands were shaking. The purse slipped from his hand. He leaned down to pick it.

He instead touched her feet. He looked at her and said, “You know that I'll do anything to right my wrong. I would even kiss your feet now. I'm sorry. I've done something terrible. What do you want me to do? I'll do it for you”.

She looked down at him. She slowly lifted brought her feet near her face and signaled him to kiss it. He looked around and realised that people were looking at them.

“It's ok. Let people do their business. You kiss my foot”, she said sarcastically. He was holding it and looking up at her face. After a moment of pause she said, “that's why you should be careful with your words”.

He kissed her foot. “Ahaa! You did that? What about the other foot”, she asked. He placed her left foot on the ground and took her other foot. He looked back at her again. “What are you waiting for dear ruler of the Galactic empire”, she asked.

He kissed the foot, held it and looked back at her. “I'll do anything for you. I'm sorry that I forgot it”, he said mildly. “Ya. You will do anything except remembering our anniversary”, she said and took her foot off his hand.

He received a phone call. She signaled him to answer it. He answered the call.

After the call, he said, “Come. We got our table. Let's go in”.